As I gear up for Queendom: A Sacred Night of Sisterhood Ecstatic Dance tonight, I am reminiscent of a once younger me that was longing for sisterhood. This yearning is the driving force behind the women's circles and events I've created over the past few years.
I have had many painful experiences with girls and women but this desire stems mostly from my initiation into high school. After a difficult move from Salt Lake City to Las Vegas, I finally found a sense of belonging with the "popular crowd" in Jr High. BUT then during freshman year that feeling shattered when I was ostracized and bullied daily by the girlfriends of boys I had kissed. On two separate occasions these boys had seduced me and taken advantage of my drunken state. Each situation, although different boys, was the same. They came on to me. I liked it at first and then it became overbearing and forceful. I began to tense up and move into the fight or flight state, unfortunately my body had known this feeling well. I felt the desire to stop and keep going all at the same time. When the ‘stop’ finally overruled I managed to hold my tears and walk away from the party, or in one case, the campsite. In the weeks that followed either incident the boy’s lies of “going all the way with me” were believed and I was immediately labeled the freshman “slut”. I couldn’t believe that even my so-called friends believed the boys over me. And from then on their girlfriends, I didn't know they had become my enemies.
These girls, influential cheerleaders, turned the school against me. My friends were pressured to abandon me, leaving me feeling utterly alone. The only solace I found was in a couple of friends who, like me, were ostracized for their identities. However, our bond only fueled the flames of torment, with accusations of promiscuity and now homophobia hurled my way.
Fear gripped me. School became unbearable, leading to 82 absences and a deeper reliance on drugs to escape. Finally, after threats of being held back, I confessed the situation to my mother.
A meeting with the principal, counselor, and the girls involved proved futile. The school took their side, leaving me humiliated once more. I endured the remaining school year, skipping classes whenever possible. When rumors surfaced about these girls planning to kidnap me and leave me in the desert for dead, the fear became too much to bear. Thankfully, my mother could see the deep pain and fear I was in so we moved to a different part of the city.
This experience wasn't my only "sisterhood wound," but it left one of the biggest scars. It fostered a deep mistrust in women, a feeling I believe many of us carry.
Yet, I'm incredibly grateful for the strong female bonds I am beginning to build now in my 40s. I'm on a mission to support women, even those who've hurt me. After all, hurt people hurt people.
To those I've judged or spoken unkindly of, I offer my sincerest apologies. Let's heal the sisterhood wound within us all. Join hands in a circle once more.
If you're ever invited to a women's circle or gathering space, take a chance, no matter how uncomfortable. As Rebecca Campbell's book "Rise Sister Rise" reminds us, there's power in gathering with women. Together, we can heal, celebrate each other, and create a powerful shift in the feminine energy of the world. By supporting one another, we can achieve a much-needed balance between masculine and feminine energies. However the only way I can show up for my sisters is if I first SHOW UP FOR ME, LOVE MYSELF, HEALl MY WOUNDS and become the QUEEN I AM.
My wish is that ALL of you could join us tonight to rise, dance, receive and celebrate!
However you can still dance with us. Here is the link to the playlist https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3WkfYJ2brvIINUcudIyJDK?si=9859513c492344a1
May you listen to the words of these songs and know that they are a mix tape (yep I was born in the 80’s and we used tapes) curated specially for you! Unshackle your QUEEN and dance.
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